Defining Me…

Last night, November 16, 2018, in a Campus Fellowship by Light Bearers in Visayas State University of Isabel, I shared my life to the students who were there.

That was all of me. All of my deepest sins and struggles. And my healing encounters as well.

A week before the Campus Fellowship, my sister told me that she had me in her heart to speak on the Fellowship. And then, a churchmate also told me that he had me in his heart to speak.

I asked the Lord if He would allow me. But the answer that time was “NO”. Because He was trying to get to me with an issue of my heart and that was pride.

After hearing them say that they had me in their hearts to share, my heart went boasting, that I will be on the limelight again.

With the motive and the feeling, I sought the Lord and asked Him if He would allow me, and that was the answer, “NO”. Hence, I let it go.

Yet, He continued speaking to me. He told me, “I just want to get to you. I just want to show you what is in your heart so that it will be dealt with.”

Because again, I’m back at seeking approval and/or affirmations from people. Because again, I’m back at wanting myself to be on the spotlight. And because again, I’m back at the motive of wanting to stand there for I wanted to be seen.

I’m back at it again.

But…

“Jill, that’s not what defines you. That’s not your calling. Your calling is Me. Your calling is to be intimate with Me.”

Hearing those words from Abba made me feel at ease: that it’s okay to let it go for that’s not what was important, I was, I am.

I AM DEFINED BY HIM.

BUT…

I was able share. God allowed me.

Prior to sharing my life, I was being hesitant for I was thinking of what will people say, what will be there reaction.

So, I reached out to my Living Waters Small Group and I asked them if how far will I go with my testimony?

They told me that it’s not necessary to share everything because not every place is a safe place.

I didn’t know what to do. There were many voices in my head. I didn’t say any word…

BUT there was this small voice penetrating and passing through all the other voices.

I heard the voice saying, “If you will put limit on what you will share, then, the effects will be limited”. I don’t really know. But then, I just smiled and I was encouraged.

So, I decided to write everything that came into my mind.

While I was on my outline, two memories popped into my head. And because of the decision to write everything that will come into my mind, I was challenged. I didn’t want to share those parts. On my first testimony, I wasn’t also able to share those things because it didn’t came to me.

Fear started creeping its way to me. I was afraid. I was now hesitating.

With that, I told my sister not just once but thrice that I will not pursue.

But I remembered what God told me when I first accepted it and said “sige”.

These were His words…

“WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. Just like you, I want them to experience the fullness of my love. Of how far my love can go. I want to bring healing to them.”

So, with those words I was encouraged.

But fear didn’t stop speaking to me. I was still hesitating.

While I was on my way to the venue, I relaxed and pulled myself together. But I didn’t feel any ease. I was about to remove those “two”.

While I was speaking, I really sensed the feeling of judgment and condemnation. I wanted to read it fast so that it will all be over.

After speaking, I felt numb. I can’t hear anything. So, I went outside and I called my sister, one of my accountability partners. I told her what I felt and she kept talking and assuring me. I really wanted to hear the voice of the Lord.

So, we decided to take a walk. As we walked, gently, the numbness went away.

I realized, even without any words from Abba, just His gentle touch, it soothes.

But there was still left of the feeling of being judged and condemned. As I look at people’s eyes, I was asking on my mind if what are they thinking.

So, I gently put back my mind on God and asked Him to speak to me. And that’s when He said, “I honor you”. It was just a very small voice. I almost couldn’t hear it but it made its way through.

God made His way through, as always.

I kept on communicating to God.

I realized that I was so after of what will and can people say and react. I have always been waiting for them to say something, that they approve of me. But I lost sight of the most important One. I lost the sense of hearing from Him.

All along, all the time, He is speaking to me.

“It doesn’t matter what they say. It doesn’t matter how they look at you. What I say, how I look at you is all that matters. I am the only One that matters.”

To everyone that was there during the Campus Fellowship, my testimony was a glimpse of HOW FAR CAN HIS LOVE GO. HIS LOVE IS BEYOND AND ABOVE ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES. IT SURPASSES EVERY FORM OF SIN, DIRTINESS, FILTHINESS, PAIN AND BROKENNESS. It’s just a glimpse because even of how I see my sins, that they are so great, His love is way, way greater.

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