Road to 25, Back to 24
Month of May, on the way to 31st…
God just let me remember all the things that I have learned and experienced before and during Living Waters Leadership Training.
It was the same month of last year that I was on the verge of hopelessness and giving up and that I just want to end it all.
I felt so hopeless that I can’t come to God because of my sin.
I felt so hopeless thinking if I still have a chance to change and get back.
I FELT SO HOPELESS.
And each day that I woke up felt so dark and pointless.
“I don’t want to wake up anymore.”
Because of this SIN…
Because of that, I was also about to give up everything about God – His plans for me and His will for my life… I just want to follow what I felt for I was so tired of fighting, so tired of failing again and again. I WANT TO GIVE UP SO THAT IT WILL ALL BE DONE!
I always knew that it will not work out – the relationship with same-sex and God will not give up on me.
BUT I WAS JUST SO TIRED.
And I even thought of taking my own life.
For I was left with nothing, no choice to choose.
I can’t go back to God because of the shame that I felt and the girl left me.
I WAS LEFT WITH NO CHOICE…
My birthday came last year, 31st of May.
“How was I supposed to enjoy?”
I WAS ON MY EDGE.
Yet deep in my heart, I was crying out to God to save me.
Even with those thoughts and feelings, every day, I asked God to forgive me and deep in my heart, asking Him to save me. And each day that I woke up, even having that sin, I thanked God for His faithfulness and love in my life for I knew and thought, He can take it (this life) away anytime.
But He didn’t…
I celebrated my birthday last year and I invited almost everyone who were close to me.
That day too, our leaders from JIA Community – La Union arrived. They were here for the Bible Training Class Graduation. And they stayed in our house.
One of them, who is a pastor prayed for me and while He was praying, I asked God for forgiveness again and I thanked Him for His goodness in my life. I was crying while listening to His prayer.
One thing I remembered, he prayed that God’s calling will be fulfilled in my life and I heard my senior pastor agreed to it.
On hearing that, I cried,
Because I knew God called me.
But I was about to give it up.
One night on the first week of June, mama asked me if it was okay if the pastor’s wife who was from La Union will talk to me. And I said it was okay. Because she felt something was going on with me.
(People thought that I was not okay because of my break up with my first boyfriend and with him getting married.
No, that was not it.)
The reason was, I had a relationship with a girl.
The pastor’s wife asked me about it and I said it was not – my break up with first boyfriend.
I told her the truth and confessed everything to her. Then, she started ministering to me.
I was just so amazed by what she told me that one of their intercessors there in La Union told her that she’s gonna minister someone from our household. She didn’t know who it was.
God confirmed it to her when she, mama and me attended the House of Worship and Prayer in our church.
She told me that she looked at me and the program didn’t started yet but I was already connected to God. She was amazed.
(That time, I was crying out to God to forgive me and save me.)
So, she asked God what was my problem. And God confirmed it to her that I was the one whom He wants her to minister to.
(I was so amazed that God heard me and He sent these people, our leaders from La Union and was actually staying in our house! It was all planned out by Him. 😭😭😭)
She ministered to me again after one night and this time she was with someone.
They asked me questions and that was the first time I encountered those questions in a different way. They asked me about my relationship with mama and papa. They also asked me about my childhood.
Right then and there, I remembered what my aunt told me that I was an unwanted baby by mama and my papa wanted a boy.
They prayed for me and while they were praying, Good took me to my mother’s womb.
Imagining myself that I was in my mother’s womb, I wasn’t able to feel the pain yet but I knew this was my deep rejection, my first pain that I needed to deal with.
(I am not dishonoring my parents in sharing these things, in fact, I love them and accept who they are and their weaknesses. I’m just sharing this to point out one of the major roots of my behavior today.)
One of the roots of our behaviors or who we are and what we are doing today are because of our wounds in the past and they need to be dealt with and be healed.
Hey, don’t blame anyone. Yet, I understand that we will feel the anger because of what people caused us but they too have their own weaknesses and brokennesses.
The only One who can give us true love and completeness is JESUS.
On my next blog posts, I’m gonna continue my story and I’m gonna share how God revealed to me my pain, shame, brokennesses and weaknesses and how He encountered me with His love on these areas.
Thank you for reading! God bless you! 😊