Where it all began: My Healing Journey

Road to 25, Back to 24

Month of May, on the way to 31st…

God just let me remember all the things that I have learned and experienced before and during Living Waters Leadership Training.

It was the same month of last year that I was on the verge of hopelessness and giving up and that I just want to end it all.

I felt so hopeless that I can’t come to God because of my sin.

I felt so hopeless thinking if I still have a chance to change and get back.

I FELT SO HOPELESS.

And each day that I woke up felt so dark and pointless.

“I don’t want to wake up anymore.”

Because of this SIN…

…same-sex relationship.

Because of that, I was also about to give up everything about God – His plans for me and His will for my life… I just want to follow what I felt for I was so tired of fighting, so tired of failing again and again. I WANT TO GIVE UP SO THAT IT WILL ALL BE DONE!

Yet…

I always knew that it will not work out – the relationship with same-sex and God will not give up on me.

BUT I WAS JUST SO TIRED.

And I even thought of taking my own life.

For I was left with nothing, no choice to choose.

I can’t go back to God because of the shame that I felt and the girl left me.

I WAS LEFT WITH NO CHOICE…

My birthday came last year, 31st of May.

“How was I supposed to enjoy?”

I WAS ON MY EDGE.

Yet deep in my heart, I was crying out to God to save me.

Even with those thoughts and feelings, every day, I asked God to forgive me and deep in my heart, asking Him to save me. And each day that I woke up, even having that sin, I thanked God for His faithfulness and love in my life for I knew and thought, He can take it (this life) away anytime.

But He didn’t…

I celebrated my birthday last year and I invited almost everyone who were close to me.

That day too, our leaders from JIA Community – La Union arrived. They were here for the Bible Training Class Graduation. And they stayed in our house.

One of them, who is a pastor prayed for me and while He was praying, I asked God for forgiveness again and I thanked Him for His goodness in my life. I was crying while listening to His prayer.

One thing I remembered, he prayed that God’s calling will be fulfilled in my life and I heard my senior pastor agreed to it.

On hearing that, I cried,

Because I knew God called me.

But I was about to give it up.

One night on the first week of June, mama asked me if it was okay if the pastor’s wife who was from La Union will talk to me. And I said it was okay. Because she felt something was going on with me.

(People thought that I was not okay because of my break up with my first boyfriend and with him getting married.

No, that was not it.)

The reason was, I had a relationship with a girl.

The pastor’s wife asked me about it and I said it was not – my break up with first boyfriend.

I told her the truth and confessed everything to her. Then, she started ministering to me.

I was just so amazed by what she told me that one of their intercessors there in La Union told her that she’s gonna minister someone from our household. She didn’t know who it was.

God confirmed it to her when she, mama and me attended the House of Worship and Prayer in our church.

She told me that she looked at me and the program didn’t started yet but I was already connected to God. She was amazed.

(That time, I was crying out to God to forgive me and save me.)

So, she asked God what was my problem. And God confirmed it to her that I was the one whom He wants her to minister to.

(I was so amazed that God heard me and He sent these people, our leaders from La Union and was actually staying in our house! It was all planned out by Him. 😭😭😭)

She ministered to me again after one night and this time she was with someone.

They asked me questions and that was the first time I encountered those questions in a different way. They asked me about my relationship with mama and papa. They also asked me about my childhood.

Right then and there, I remembered what my aunt told me that I was an unwanted baby by mama and my papa wanted a boy.

They prayed for me and while they were praying, Good took me to my mother’s womb.

Imagining myself that I was in my mother’s womb, I wasn’t able to feel the pain yet but I knew this was my deep rejection, my first pain that I needed to deal with.

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(I am not dishonoring my parents in sharing these things, in fact, I love them and accept who they are and their weaknesses. I’m just sharing this to point out one of the major roots of my behavior today.)

One of the roots of our behaviors or who we are and what we are doing today are because of our wounds in the past and they need to be dealt with and be healed.

Hey, don’t blame anyone. Yet, I understand that we will feel the anger because of what people caused us but they too have their own weaknesses and brokennesses.

The only One who can give us true love and completeness is JESUS.

On my next blog posts, I’m gonna continue my story and I’m gonna share how God revealed to me my pain, shame, brokennesses and weaknesses and how He encountered me with His love on these areas.

Thank you for reading! God bless you! 😊

Defining Me…

Last night, November 16, 2018, in a Campus Fellowship by Light Bearers in Visayas State University of Isabel, I shared my life to the students who were there.

That was all of me. All of my deepest sins and struggles. And my healing encounters as well.

A week before the Campus Fellowship, my sister told me that she had me in her heart to speak on the Fellowship. And then, a churchmate also told me that he had me in his heart to speak.

I asked the Lord if He would allow me. But the answer that time was “NO”. Because He was trying to get to me with an issue of my heart and that was pride.

After hearing them say that they had me in their hearts to share, my heart went boasting, that I will be on the limelight again.

With the motive and the feeling, I sought the Lord and asked Him if He would allow me, and that was the answer, “NO”. Hence, I let it go.

Yet, He continued speaking to me. He told me, “I just want to get to you. I just want to show you what is in your heart so that it will be dealt with.”

Because again, I’m back at seeking approval and/or affirmations from people. Because again, I’m back at wanting myself to be on the spotlight. And because again, I’m back at the motive of wanting to stand there for I wanted to be seen.

I’m back at it again.

But…

“Jill, that’s not what defines you. That’s not your calling. Your calling is Me. Your calling is to be intimate with Me.”

Hearing those words from Abba made me feel at ease: that it’s okay to let it go for that’s not what was important, I was, I am.

I AM DEFINED BY HIM.

BUT…

I was able share. God allowed me.

Prior to sharing my life, I was being hesitant for I was thinking of what will people say, what will be there reaction.

So, I reached out to my Living Waters Small Group and I asked them if how far will I go with my testimony?

They told me that it’s not necessary to share everything because not every place is a safe place.

I didn’t know what to do. There were many voices in my head. I didn’t say any word…

BUT there was this small voice penetrating and passing through all the other voices.

I heard the voice saying, “If you will put limit on what you will share, then, the effects will be limited”. I don’t really know. But then, I just smiled and I was encouraged.

So, I decided to write everything that came into my mind.

While I was on my outline, two memories popped into my head. And because of the decision to write everything that will come into my mind, I was challenged. I didn’t want to share those parts. On my first testimony, I wasn’t also able to share those things because it didn’t came to me.

Fear started creeping its way to me. I was afraid. I was now hesitating.

With that, I told my sister not just once but thrice that I will not pursue.

But I remembered what God told me when I first accepted it and said “sige”.

These were His words…

“WE ARE IN THIS TOGETHER. Just like you, I want them to experience the fullness of my love. Of how far my love can go. I want to bring healing to them.”

So, with those words I was encouraged.

But fear didn’t stop speaking to me. I was still hesitating.

While I was on my way to the venue, I relaxed and pulled myself together. But I didn’t feel any ease. I was about to remove those “two”.

While I was speaking, I really sensed the feeling of judgment and condemnation. I wanted to read it fast so that it will all be over.

After speaking, I felt numb. I can’t hear anything. So, I went outside and I called my sister, one of my accountability partners. I told her what I felt and she kept talking and assuring me. I really wanted to hear the voice of the Lord.

So, we decided to take a walk. As we walked, gently, the numbness went away.

I realized, even without any words from Abba, just His gentle touch, it soothes.

But there was still left of the feeling of being judged and condemned. As I look at people’s eyes, I was asking on my mind if what are they thinking.

So, I gently put back my mind on God and asked Him to speak to me. And that’s when He said, “I honor you”. It was just a very small voice. I almost couldn’t hear it but it made its way through.

God made His way through, as always.

I kept on communicating to God.

I realized that I was so after of what will and can people say and react. I have always been waiting for them to say something, that they approve of me. But I lost sight of the most important One. I lost the sense of hearing from Him.

All along, all the time, He is speaking to me.

“It doesn’t matter what they say. It doesn’t matter how they look at you. What I say, how I look at you is all that matters. I am the only One that matters.”

To everyone that was there during the Campus Fellowship, my testimony was a glimpse of HOW FAR CAN HIS LOVE GO. HIS LOVE IS BEYOND AND ABOVE ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES. IT SURPASSES EVERY FORM OF SIN, DIRTINESS, FILTHINESS, PAIN AND BROKENNESS. It’s just a glimpse because even of how I see my sins, that they are so great, His love is way, way greater.